Lifeletter #193: Our Inexhaustible Resource

“Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.”-Arundhati Roy

In my work with dying people, I’ve seen a lot of them face something as their time to leave this world approaches: they realize they didn’t really show up, they didn’t say what they had to say, and they didn’t listen to a lot of the people around them. They wake up painfully to the fact that they were avoiding difficult conversations, sometimes for many years. And now, in the face of death, they are suddenly much more willing to have those conversations, if the people in question are still alive and available. This can be one of the most graceful and redeeming aspects of the whole dying process: it amps up our willingness to become intimate with what we were trying to avoid.

Since Donald Trump has been elected, the opportunity for difficult conversations is everywhere! It’s as if we never fully realized how different we really are from the people around us. We have different feelings, different beliefs, different perceptions. We are different from our neighbours, from our friends and from our family members. How surprising it can be to take in all these differences, especially when it feels so much more comfortable to hang out with people who think and feel like we do. It looks to me as if our way forward into a new future is asking us to face into these differences, to stand in our own place, and honour the ways in which we are different from each other, with respect.

This might sound like a great idea, and it is profoundly challenging to embody. To actually do this requires that we develop a lot, that we grow in our basic humanity. The truth is, we have not yet reached this point in our collective evolution, where we know how do this.

When we are faced with someone whose views are different from ours we tend to do one of two things. The first one is this: we pull out our attack dog and go for their jugular. We might do this overtly, or with a lot more finesse and subtlety, but basically we are telling them that they are wrong, we are right, and that they need to listen to us and change their perspective. We do not yet have the capacity to step into their world, see through their eyes and give them the fundamental dignity of their own intelligence. This does not mean that we agree with them. My capacity to empathize with you, to attune with you, does not mean I agree with you. It simply means that I am able to listen to you and respect you, even if I believe that your views are dangerous. How many times have you expressed your views in a way that made the other person feel wrong or judged? I am personally an expert on this one. It’s taken me years to learn how to disagree, but with respect.

The other polarity we slip into is a kind of collapse into a false agreement. We pretend to go along with the other person or persons in order to maintain a kind of superficial harmony, because we are afraid of rocking the boat. Having a real conversation with this person, letting them know how profoundly we disagree with what they are saying is very threatening to us. It might feel overwhelming and destabilizing, so we just stay quiet and pretend that we agree and are fine with everything, just as it is. How many times have you caved in and gone along with something that really did not feel right in your gut, or in your heart?

This kind of caving in is also not respectful. Submitting myself to your point of view does not respect me, and it doesn’t really respect you either. It doesn’t give you a chance to know me, to hear me, to encounter me as I am.

So here we are, standing on this edge together, not really knowing how to move forward. Feeling the pull of a new future that is calling us, and feeling the weight of the past, the tendencies that pull us back into an aggressive or a submissive position.

I feel myself getting pulled into both of these positions all the time. They are hardwired into our nervous system, and we also need to respect that. I can’t find a new way to be with the people on this planet overnight. I can’t just use my will power to wake up from these deeply imprinted patterns. I can keep noticing them, and feeling what they are costing me and you and all of us. And I can begin to open to something very new and unfamiliar: what it feels like to interact when I am in the centre of my being, connected with the energy and integrity of my core. From this place I am strong and clear and grounded enough to hear you, and to allow myself to respond to you freely, and with respect. To connect with my core, my true centre, I need to practice. It’s not an idea, it’s an embodied way of being fully human and present.

 

Even if I don’t know how to do this, I can still hold the intention to respect you and myself, deep in my heart. I had an experience recently when I stepped into a very difficult conversation with a man I know. I was afraid that if I spoke what felt true for me he would feel judged; and yet I knew that I had to try to have the conversation with him anyway. I had to make the effort without knowing how it would turn out, without being attached to whether or not he was able to hear me, or how much I could stay present for him. It turned out to be a deeply liberating and healing experience. And what has stayed with me is that there was no guarantee of that outcome. I simply had to be willing to show up and be as available as I could be, to the intense discomfort of the conversation.

Krista Tippet, of “On Being,” makes this point beautifully in a video talk: Krista Tippet is live  https://www.facebook.com/pg/OnBeing/videos/

We don’t really know what’s going on here. There are many layers of experience in every conversation we have. We don’t know if our words might have landed in some tiny little space that was open in the other person’s heart or mind. We also don’t know if our highest intentions might totally backfire and create a major reaction in that person. Our impulse to connect, across all of the barriers and obstacles, is one of the most inexhaustible resources we have. It comes from one of the healthiest and most sacred places within us. If we can learn to meet in the place of our differences with deep respect, we call each other into the future that is waiting for us.

with love,
Shayla